Fruits From The Roots Therapists Answers Your Questions
Cibelly Zedan answering:
“Hi FFR,
I feel frustrated and angry all the time! I know this maybe be a small thing but the other day my neighbour’s teenage son wouldn’t stop playing music really loud during the day when I typically sleep (I work nights) and I wanted to tell him to lower the volume but I didn’t because I thought it would be a violation of his space but it was infuriating and I found that I had the urge to just punch something! But I’m not a violent person and I worry that there’s something wrong with me.
From
Worried to Lash Out!”
Hello,
We appreciate you reaching out and sharing your feelings.
It’s important to acknowledge your anger and frustration as valid emotional responses. These feelings could be signs that something is bothering you and exploring these emotions can contribute to self-awareness.
We appreciate that is hard to deal with some feelings; However, anger is a natural emotion, and it does not necessarily indicate that there is something wrong with you. What really matter, is the way we can handle these feelings.
Regarding the self-awareness mentioned above, it would be helpful for you to reflect on where these feeling is coming from and how it affects your daily function. This reflection can give you some answers about you having the anger and frustration feelings all the time. Other than that, you can also explore relaxation techniques such as meditation and deep breathing to support you in managing stress levels.
As natural emotions, many people face challenges with anger and frustration. Remember that you don’t have to go through all this alone! If anytime you feel you cannot handle these feelings on your own or that is being challenging doing it by yourself, seek professional support. There is a variety of therapists with different recourses and strategies that can support you throughout this difficult situation.
Fruitfully,
Cibelly Zedan
Kamakshi Marwah answering:
“Hey Fruits From The Roots,
I really like that you started this column! Anyways I just started a new job and I have two kids in elementary school. To say the least getting ready in the morning is a nightmare. I feel scattered and lost but I want to be calm and collected so I’m not overwhelmed before work. But by the time I drop the kids off and arrive at work I’m anxious and I feel like I can’t think straight. Then I feel like I’m not doing my job well because it’s hard for me to concentrate and I just feel like if my morning started off better, then I may have a better day at work. “
Thank you for reaching out to us.
Congratulations on your new job!
It sounds like you’re going through quite a bit at the moment. I want to acknowledge that feeling overwhelmed and scattered is entirely normal, especially during significant transitions like starting a new job while managing a family. Your feelings are valid, and it’s essential to recognize and honor them.
It’s great that you’re aware of the importance of starting your day on the right foot and how it can impact your overall well-being.
Mornings can set the tone for the entire day, and it’s understandable that a chaotic morning can lead to increased stress and reduced focus.
Let’s explore this further together. As we delve into this, I’d like you to consider a few things:
1. Your Ideal Morning: Reflect on how you’d like to start your day. What activities or routines would bring you a sense of peace and readiness? Visualizing your ideal morning can help you set intentions.
Consider establishing a morning routine that allows you some quiet time for yourself before the kids wake up. This could include meditation, light exercise, or simply enjoying a cup of coffee or tea in peace. Even just 15-30 minutes of self-care can make a significant difference in how you feel throughout the day.
2. Managing Family Dynamics: With young children in the picture, it’s natural to feel a lot of responsibility. Think about how you can involve your kids in the morning routine. Could they be encouraged to take on some tasks independently, like getting dressed or preparing simple breakfast items? Or preparing lunches and laying out clothes the night before can save you valuable time and reduce morning stress.
3. Mindfulness: Practice mindfulness techniques to manage your anxiety. Deep breathing exercises or a brief meditation session before work can help centre your thoughts and reduce anxiety. There is an app called Insight timer, which also allows you to do five minutes of meditation. Once you have dropped the kids to school, just before you start your work, try this technique.
Remember, you’re not alone in this journey, and seeking support is a sign of strength. If you have more thoughts or concerns, you’d like to share, please feel free to do so. We’re here to support you on this path to a more balanced and peaceful morning routine.
Fruitfully
Kamakshi Marwah
Sandra Graham answering:
“Hi Fruits From The Roots,
Early last year, my mom died suddenly. To say that I was rattled would be a big understatement! It’s a New Year and I just want to be able to accept her passing and move forward because I know that’s what she would want for me. However, I find myself thinking about her all the time and then worrying about my own death. It’s so bad I often don’t get my work for the day completed and then I feel ashamed and guilty. Can you help me?“
Dear Grieving Person,
We are sorry to hear about the sudden loss of your beloved mother. We understand that this is a difficult and sad experience for you. When we experience the sudden loss of someone we love, it can be very challenging to maintain our emotional balance. It is natural for our primary focus and energy to be directed toward maintaining a sense of stability for ourselves as we mourn and try to process the loss.
We understand that this experience can cause you to become overly fixated on the loss of your mother, causing other important aspects of life such as your work to take a backseat. Focusing solely on this loss can take a toll on your emotional and psychological well-being. Therefore, we suggest giving yourself the time and space you need to process your emotions.
While it is normal to ask yourself many questions during this time of grief, including “Why am I feeling this way?” “Why am I not able to cope?” “Am I caring for myself properly during this difficult time?” “What can I do to make myself feel better?”, you may want to seek professional help as you grieve the loss of your mother.
Furthermore, since this experience is interfering with your work and day-to-day life, we encourage you to book an appointment to talk to one of our therapists. They can provide you with the support you need to explore your emotions in a safe way as you grieve and teach you some strategies to manage and express your feelings so that you can move forward. Please know that we are here to support you during this difficult time, so don’t hesitate to reach out for additional support.
Fruitfully,
Sandra Graham
Kamakshi Marwah answering:
“Hi FFR,
I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years and he is ready to start a family. The issue is while I love him very much, I am not ready to become pregnant- Emotionally, mentally, and physically, I’m just not there yet. I’m at a pivotal point in my career and I enjoy the freedom of traveling, which an all come to a halt if I have a child. However, I worry that my marriage can end if I don’t get pregnant soon. What can be done here?“
Thank you for contacting Fruits from the Roots.
It sounds like you are navigating some inner emotions, and I want to assure you that you’re not alone in this journey. In fact, it’s entirely normal to feel conflicted when facing significant life decisions, especially when they involve balancing personal desires, career aspirations, and the dynamics of your relationship.
First and foremost, I want to acknowledge the depth of your feelings and the validity of your concerns. Your career and the freedom of traveling are undoubtedly important aspects of your life, and it’s completely understandable that you would want to maintain a sense of autonomy and fulfillment in these areas.
However, it’s also essential to consider how starting a family may impact these aspects of your life and whether there are ways to find a balance that honours both your personal and professional aspirations.
Enhancing communication skills can help you and your husband navigate this challenging conversation with empathy and understanding.
Practice active listening, empathy, and assertive communication to express your feelings and concerns effectively while also listening to your husband’s perspective without judgment.
Through open and honest dialogue, we can develop strategies for effective communication with your husband, set realistic expectations, and ultimately make decisions that align with your needs and desires.
I believe it’s crucial for us to delve deeper into your feelings of readiness or unreadiness to become pregnant. This involves exploring the emotional, mental, and physical factors contributing to your hesitation, as well as any underlying fears or anxieties that may be influencing your thoughts and decisions.
Consider seeking couples therapy to explore these issues in a safe and supportive environment. A therapist can help facilitate open and honest communication, validate both partners’ perspectives, and work towards mutually satisfactory solutions.
Therapy can also provide you with tools and strategies for managing conflicts, strengthening emotional intimacy, and making informed decisions about your relationship and family planning.
Remember, your well-being is important, and we can support you every step of the way
Fruitfully,
Kamakshi Marwah
Brett Robinson answering:
“Hey FFTR
Lately I’ve been like I have little to no interest in the things or people that used to make me feel good. I just feel “blah.” I dont know if this is just winter blues or something more. I was going to talk to my boyfriend about it but I really dont want to make a big deal out of it because it may be nothing. It’s just hard because I can’t just shake the feeling off. What do you think?“
Thanks so much for reaching out to us. Sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling like that lately. I can tell you that it is a common feeling for many people, sometimes associated with the “winter blues” as you say, but also outside of these times. It’s tough because it can sort of hang over every part of life. It can lift a little, but it seems to settle back in. It dampens our joyful experiences and can make it feel like our baseline experience each day is down a little.
Something that is helpful both in the short and long terms is to define how “blah” feels for you specifically. Are there parts of your body that “blah” resides in? Does it feel like its across your shoulders, your head, etc.? Are there any colours or images associated with it? Some people imagine it as a wet blanket, others as a weight on their body, etc. If you can imagine it, then we can work with it, in a sense. One client I worked with felt this purple wet blanket across their chest, and we practiced her imagining it lifting off several times per day, and that she would place it in a chest in her bedroom.
Another thing that you can do is track when the feeling is strongest, and equally important, when you are not feeling like that. Keeping a journal of these feelings and the days/times that they occur could be important, because you can track the trend in your life and possibly see that the feelings coincide with certain activities or times of the day, such as work vs weekends, or morning vs evening.
Overall, you definitely have the ability to work yourself out of these feelings. Identifying any memories associated with them, any images, and if you feel them in certain parts of your body will definitely help. Tracking when they occur can help determine if they are associated with parts of your life, times of the day, and other factors such as these.
Please feel free to let me know how you’re progressing with those suggestions and any other thoughts and feelings you’re having. I’m also happy to schedule a session at any point and support you through this process.
Fruitfully,
Brett Robinson
Kamakshi Marwah answering:
“Dear FFR,
For the past 10 years my friend and I have done so many things together. We’ve supported each other throughout University, various relationship break ups, and even a wedding and subsequent divorce. She’s really my best friend. However, I’ve recently had a baby and I feel like my friend and I have drifted apart. We barely talk because I’m too tired after caring for a baby all day. I feel like there’s a lot happening in her life but I don’t feel included because she barely calls or visits me anymore and I barely have time to hang out so she’s stopped inviting me to things. I miss my friend but I also don’t know what to do about it. I feel abandoned and lonely. Any thoughts would be appreciated.“
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us.
It sounds like you’re navigating a significant transition in your life with the arrival of your baby. I can sense that your friendship holds immense importance to you, having been a pillar of support through various phases of your life. However, this new phase of motherhood has understandably consumed much of your attention and energy as you navigate the demands of caring for your baby. Making it challenging to maintain the same level of connection with your friend.
Transitioning into motherhood is a beautiful yet intense experience. It often involves a redirection of focus and priorities, leaving little time and energy for other aspects of life, including maintaining friendships. Your emotions might fluctuate as you adjust to these changes, and it’s completely normal to feel a sense of longing for the connection you had with your friend.
Considering the constraints of time and exhaustion, reaching out to your friend might seem daunting. If direct communication feels challenging at the moment, exploring alternative means such as sending a heartfelt voice note or email could be a constructive way to express your thoughts and emotions.
Validating the importance of your friendship while acknowledging the current limitations you’re experiencing might help bridge the emotional gap. Expressing to your friend that even though you may not be as emotionally available right now, you still cherish the bond you share and are willing to offer support in any way possible could be reassuring for both of you. Sometimes, validating each other’s feelings and acknowledging the changes can strengthen the foundation of a friendship.
Remember, this period of adjustment and adaptation is temporary, and as you settle into the rhythms of parenthood, there might be opportunities to reconnect and rekindle the friendship.
Prioritizing self-care amidst the demands of caring for your baby is also essential in managing the emotional toll this transition might bring.
Take your time and be gentle with yourself. Transitioning into motherhood is a significant life event, and it’s okay to prioritize your well-being and that of your baby during this period of adjustment.
Your willingness to reach out, even amidst the chaos, speaks volumes about the value you place on your friendship.
Feel free to explore these suggestions and adapt them to your comfort level as you navigate this phase of your life.
If you have further thoughts or feelings you’d like to discuss, we’re here to offer support and guidance.
Fruitfully,
Kamakshi Marwah
Lukhvir Kalyan answering:
“Hey FFTR
I’m a 22-year-old South Asian woman trying to balance who I am with what my parents expect of me. I recently graduated from university and started working in a creative field, which is my dream, but my parents wanted me to go into medicine. They still introduce me as “planning to go back to school for something real,” even though I’ve told them I’m not. I feel constantly torn between being a good daughter and living authentically. How do I manage this guilt and the anxiety of disappointing them?”
Greetings,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience. Navigating between your authentic self and family expectations can indeed feel deeply challenging and emotionally taxing. You’re clearly passionate about your career choice, and it’s commendable that you’ve taken steps toward living a life aligned with your dreams and values.
Acknowledging your feelings of guilt and anxiety is important; these emotions reflect your care for both your family’s perspective and your authenticity. Approaching these feelings with curiosity can help deepen your understanding. You might ask yourself questions such as: What are my core values, and how do they align with my life choices? What hopes or concerns might my family have, and how do they connect with my own aspirations?
Managing this guilt and anxiety can start with setting gentle but firm boundaries with your parents, while also openly expressing gratitude and respect for their concerns and intentions. Conversations emphasizing mutual understanding can sometimes shift dynamics over time, even if change feels slow. It might help to clearly articulate what your career means to you, how it fulfills you, and how important their support and understanding are, even if they don’t fully agree.
Ultimately, balancing personal authenticity with familial expectations is an ongoing journey. Therapy could offer a dedicated space to explore these tensions more deeply, helping you develop strategies to cope with guilt and anxiety, improve communication, and strengthen your sense of self.
Remember, you’re not alone in this struggle, and seeking support is a courageous and meaningful step toward your emotional well-being and personal fulfillment.
Fruitfully,
Lukhvir Kalyan
Nadia Adam answering:
“Dear FFR,
My father passed away recently. Everyone keeps telling me to hold onto the good memories, but the truth is… I don’t have any. He was emotionally abusive, unpredictable, and made me feel small my entire life. Now that he’s gone, I feel angry and ashamed and somehow still sad. How do you grieve someone who hurt you? Am I a bad person for not being able to pretend he was a good dad?”
Greetings,
Thank you for reaching out and for trusting us with something so personal. It takes courage to speak honestly about grief.
When someone dies, people often respond by encouraging us to “hold onto the good memories.” But what happens when those memories don’t exist, or when the relationship was marked by pain, confusion, or fear? That question can leave someone feeling isolated, even ashamed, for not grieving in the way others assume they “should.”
Some people in situations like yours have described their grief as layered or conflicted—something that includes not just sorrow, but also anger, guilt, or a sense of loss for what never was. Clinicians sometimes use terms like ambiguous grief or complicated grief to describe this experience. I wonder if some of that might resonate with you.
If so, that kind of loss is valid, even if it’s not widely acknowledged or understood by others. There’s no need to pretend your father was someone he wasn’t. Your grief doesn’t have to be tidy or performative. It can be messy, private, honest—and still completely real.
You’re not alone in navigating this. Working with a therapist might offer space to process the emotions that emerge on your own terms—to make sense of the past while also tending to what you need now. Therapy can be a place where your story is met with care, not assumptions.
However you choose to move through the grief, know that it doesn’t have to follow anyone else’s script. There is room for your truth here.
Fruitfully,
Nadia Adam
Nadia Adam answering:
“Hey FFTR
I’m a nonbinary person navigating early adulthood, and I feel exhausted. Some days I feel confident and grounded, but other days I feel invisible or like I have to prove I deserve to exist. Even among friends, I feel the pressure to educate or defend myself. It’s tiring to keep pushing for space that barely exists. How do I hold onto my identity when the world constantly chips away at it?”
Greetings,
It makes so much sense that you’re exhausted. You’re carrying the weight of being yourself in a world that often doesn’t always know how to meet you—and yet you’re still reaching for connection. That speaks volumes about your strength, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
You shared something that many nonbinary folks wrestle with: the deep desire to connect and the fear of being hurt in the process. That tension is real. Clinically, it reflects what we understand as a form of anticipatory vulnerability—the idea that being seen might come with misunderstanding, misgendering, or the responsibility of educating others just to be respected or seen.
This kind of emotional labor—especially when chronic—can lead to what we call minority stress. It’s not a personal failing; it’s a systemic one. And it often shows up as burnout, self-doubt, or even questioning your worth—not because your identity is unstable, but because the spaces around you are challenging.
So how do you hold onto yourself and reach for connection?
Start with spaces that require less explaining. Look for communities—online or in-person—where gender diversity is not just accepted but expected. It’s okay to prioritize emotional safety. You can set boundaries and still be openhearted. In fact, boundaries are what make safe connection possible.
You are not asking for too much. You’re asking to be seen, understood, and met with respect. That’s not just reasonable—it’s essential.
Fruitfully,
Nadia Adam
Nadia Adam answering:
“Dear FFR,
From the outside, I have it all together—good job, supportive partner, stable life. But inside, I’m always panicked. I obsess over the smallest mistakes, replay conversations in my head for hours, and wake up at 3 a.m. worrying about things that haven’t happened. I’m exhausted trying to be “fine” all the time. I feel like I have no right to complain because nothing is technically wrong. Is it still anxiety if I’m functioning?”
Greetings,
It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of tension beneath the surface, even though things look fine on the outside. That kind of constant worry can be exhausting, especially when you feel like you have to keep it hidden.
The fact that you’re able to manage daily life doesn’t mean your experience isn’t real or important. Feeling overwhelmed by small things or replaying conversations is something many people go through, even if it doesn’t disrupt their routines.
What stands out is how hard you are on yourself for feeling this way—as if you don’t have a right to struggle because “nothing is wrong.” That kind of self-judgment only adds to the weight you’re carrying.
You deserve compassion for what you’re going through, and it’s okay to look for ways to ease that consistent stress. Small steps, like talking with someone or exploring stress management techniques, might help lighten that load. Counseling offers a space to explore these feelings without judgment, develop ways to manage the stress, and build a kinder relationship with yourself. Functioning on the outside doesn’t mean you have to handle everything by yourself. Reaching out can be a way to find relief and support as you navigate these experiences.
Fruitfully,
Nadia Adam
Brenna Robins answering:
“Hey FFTR
Lately I feel like I’m watching my life from the outside. I go to work, talk to friends, smile when I’m supposed to—but I don’t feel in any of it. Nothing seems real or meaningful, and I can’t remember the last time I was genuinely excited about something. I used to be creative and passionate, but now everything feels muted. Is this depression? Burnout? I’m scared I’m becoming someone I don’t recognize.”
Greetings,
It sounds like there is a lot going on for you all at once that you are trying to understand and navigate. It makes a lot of sense to have all the questions that you do about how you’re feeling and about the things that you are experiencing. It also sounds like you’re feeling a bit disconnected from yourself and from your life. While this can certainly be a significant part of experiencing depression or burnout, you don’t need to have any of these labels to validate what you’re feeling. It’s real and impactful to you and that’s what matters.
From what you’ve shared, you have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. You’re carrying the weight of navigating your own needs and wants, as well as those of your sibling. That takes a lot of time, energy, and emotion, and when you’re used to looking after others, taking time for yourself can feel like a “selfish” act, as you mentioned. At the same time, you have great insight here in recognizing the importance of setting boundaries for yourself. I’m sure you’ve heard someone say at some point, “You have to fill your own cup before you can fill others’?” Sometimes thinking of something like this can help us reframe how we think about boundaries. While at first it feels like choosing ourselves over others, we are really choosing to look after ourselves so we can be there for the people we love and care about. Another way of reframing this is thinking about how we would talk to a friend who was struggling with taking care of themselves. What would you say to them if they were worried about feeling selfish or like they were abandoning the people they care about? Setting boundaries can start small. Maybe your first boundary is taking the first 30minutes of the day after you wake up for just yourself, or some other small step that feels manageable. Often, we put pressure on ourselves to make complete change overnight, and we forget that the only person setting these goals is us. That’s the best part – you’re in charge, so you can be flexible and adjust goals and boundaries as you need to.
Regarding your questions about traumatic experiences, I like to tell my clients that they are the ones who get to decide what feels heavy or traumatic, no one else. Trauma shows up differently for everyone, and unfortunately, some people don’t understand how much trauma can sit with you, no matter how much we want to “move on”. While I can’t give you any concrete answers about what you’re experiencing, I can share that trauma can be one obvious and significant event in someone’s life, or it can be repeated, more subtle events over time. Sometimes it takes us time to realize that something was traumatic. Another thing that I found helpful when I was learning about trauma was that two people can experience the same thing, and it can feel traumatic to one person and not to the other. Moving through trauma can be complex and emotional, and I would recommend talking to a counsellor who is trauma-informed so they can help you navigate all these things you are experiencing, so that you don’t have to feel you are in that alone.
If I were to give you two important recommendations in moving through and processing, it would be finding your favourite ways to regulate yourself and come back to yourself. This can be breathing, imagery, movement, art, or other tasks that bring you back to the present. Exploring heavy and emotional things can make us feel…well… emotional and heavy! And it’s important to know how to come back to the present moment and remind yourself that you are safe. The other recommendation I would make is building community – being in this disconnected space can make us feel so isolated and alone, and the truth is that there are a lot of people who share this incredibly human experience. Connecting, sharing and building safety with people is such an important step in healing traumatic experiences and looking after yourself when you are busy looking after others. You could even explore combining this with some of your boundary setting. Perhaps one of your creative passions is making art, so you enroll in an art class to meet some new people who share your passions. Perhaps you investigate some online trauma support groups – there may even be some specific ones about race-related trauma that might lead to feeling more heard, understood and less isolated.
Moving through survival mode is tough because we want so badly to see the big picture and to know when it gets better. The things above are all ways you can start to see that bigger picture, but take it small and slow. In survival mode, sometimes you need to take things 1 hour at a time. Ask yourself, “What can I do this hour for myself?”. It can be as simple or complicated as you want it to be, as long as it’s for you. Some folks like taking a bath, some go for a walk, some do stretches or cuddle an animal. Sometimes you just need a big hug! There are no rules, as long as it’s safe. Scheduling in that time for yourself can be very important, especially when you have a lot going on – you deserve rest and care just as much as others. I hope this helps you get some ideas of how to move through this difficult time, and at the very least, let’s you know that you are not alone, that there is a bigger picture, and you can do this at your own pace.
Fruitfully,
Brenna Robins
Disclaimer: We believe in the power of collective story sharing as it can be reassuring to know that we are not alone in our difficulties. However, please note that this blog is for information purposes only. Content, context, and names have been altered and/or removed to maintain confidentiality and privacy, while the overall presenting issue remains the same. The responses shared do not serve as a formal assessment, diagnosis, or treatment. If you need mental health support, then you are encouraged to book a session with a trained Mental Health Professional and/or call 911 immediately if you are in immediate danger.